Taken: Variations On Bryan’s Hauntingly Cool Monologue

Taken Parodies“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”Bryan from the movie Taken. 

I had an idea.  I’m not going to say it’s the greatest idea ever spawned by Mankind, but you might.  If you haven’t seen the movie Taken, you should, because it’s awesome.  The above quote is legendary, a cornerstone of the first movie, and if you’ve seen the movie you understand just how badass it is.

The idea is to take that paragraph and use it as a formula to create random variations.

“I don’t know what meal you want. I don’t know what kind of flavors. If you are looking for pizza hut, I can tell you I don’t serve that here. But what I do serve are a very particular set of dishes; dishes I have acquired over a very long career. Dishes that make me a gift to the pallet for people like you. If you let me know what you want now, that’ll be the end of it. I will cook for you, I will serve you. But if you don’t, I will go back to the kitchen to get a knife, I will return and find you, and I will kill you.” – Alex Dubinsky 

A friend of mine took to the idea immediately and has offered the following piece:

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for meth, I can tell you I don’t sell that. But what I do have are a very particular set of types; types I have acquired over a very long career. Types that make me a longtime friend for people like you. If you tell me what kind of weed you want right now, that’ll be the end of it. I will weigh the bags for you, I will provide the ganja for you. But if you don’t, I will not give you weed, I will not sell to you, and I will kill you.” – Patrick Hall 

Further Examples Of Parodies From ‘Taken’

“I don’t know your preferred unified theory of everything. I don’t know the maths involved in your equations. If you are looking for money for a grant, I don’t have any.  But what I do have are a very particular set of equations; equations I have acquired over a very long career.  Equations that make me an inspiration for people like you. If you let this scientific endeavor go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not push you for an answer, I will not pressure you to unite quantum theory and the theory of relativity.  But if continue and fail to find it, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” – Alex Dubinsky 

“I don’t know why you’re looking for the secret recipe for coca-cola. I don’t know what you see in the product. If you are looking for the me to help you, I don’t have the ingredients.  But what I do have are a very particular set of  beverages; beverages I have acquired over a very long career. Beverages that make me more original than people like you. If you let go of your search now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” – Alex Dubinsky

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know why you don’t believe in Man induced climate change. If you are looking for more science, I can tell you out of 13,950 peer-reviewed climate articles from 1991-2012, only 24 reject global warming.  But what I do have is common sense; common sense I have acquired by paying attention to the world over a long period of time.  Common sense that makes  people like you look naive and stupid in comparison. If you turn off Fox News now and wake up, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, the seas will rise, the storms will become more intense, and they will kill you.” – Alex Dubinsky

Submit Your Own Variation In The Comments

As you can plainly see, the wit and humor varies from variation to variation of the original monologue in Taken.  Certain liberties can also be taken to change the formula slightly to allow for creative expression.  Please use the comments to submit your own versions.  Simply use the original template from the movie and fill in the gaps.

It’s like that game mad Libs, if you’ve ever played it, but better.  If we get enough submissions we’ll put them up as a poll on the site and viewers can vote for the top pick.  If you win, you’ll have a transient moment of fulfillment that will swiftly pass, and leave you scouring the internet for the next thing.  But if you don’t submit an article, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ask you to please come back to the site to make a submission in the comments.

And now, for inspiration and your viewing pleasure, the scene itself:

 

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